Vulnerability

Have you ever noticed that small little something that keeps picking at you? That one little something that peaks and fades in your life? Sometimes showing up as a huge statement, and sometimes laying low? 

This word keeps coming up, and every time that it does, Its like the shutters fly open on the windows of my life. The word is vulnerable. 

At first, it scared me to death. I felt like crawling under the bed and hiding. Waiting for the scary word to go away. 

At some point it came back, what I thought, was to taunt me again. Of course it did. Again and again (yes, I can be a slow learner). Then one day it hit me. What if?  What if I bared my heart, my truth, to the world I lived in? Would I be accepted? Would I be Ok? What would happen if I try? The idea had me trembling. Scared. Like I was being judged to life or death. It was a horrible feeling. But I knew something. If I took that leap, and bared my heart, my truth, that I would change for the better.

It started at teacher training. I felt safe there, I threw out a class, that I had never taught before, and thought, "what the heck? I am in a safe place, I can do this." It was a success. Of course I made mistakes, but it worked, and I was chewed up and spit out.

So then I started baring my truth online for the world to see.  Good news. No harsh insults, no one bursting my bubble, no opinions or criticism. Whew. Bad news. I don't know if anyone actually read it. Sigh. 

Then I thought I would try it in class. I began to bare my truth, my life to my students. My hope was not to receive any sympathy, but to show that I am not perfect, that life is just that, life. I wanted to show them that I am a normal person, with normal problems like everyone else. We are all human. I did this for a few classes, small amounts of truth at a time. As soon as I started this, students were exclaiming how great class was. I was shocked at first. What was so different? I didnt change up the way I was teaching, just adding to it. The joy and transformation was happening in their lives, and the more I continued to offer myself up in new ways, the more creative I felt. The more I felt like I had to offer. The classes didn't continue to feel the same, they started a whole new feel. I was feeling like the classes were more unique to me. More creative, more freeing. I was exploring my language, and my teaching style took a shift. I was happy.

Then the newness began to fade, the classes started feeling universal again. I felt like I lost my creativity. I found ways to boost my classes back up, throwing in what I know, mixing things up. It felt great, but something was missing. 

Than here it came again. That word. VULNERABLE. Suddenly I felt like I was standing in a room naked. I was instantly scared. But then I felt Ok. Like this was supposed to be this way. I need to be vulnerable. I am not perfect, I never will be. I have lots of room to grow, which means more exciting stuff is awaiting me. I am not a master, I am growing, sharing the word, the truth. I'm setting the example, I can fail and it's Ok. It's my job to share my truth, with vulnerability, and I am looking forward to it. I really feel like this is a lesson for me to learn. 

But, I also feel like it doesnt end here. I realized, for me, vulnerability is a stepping stool for something better. More to come. ....

So I shall bow to Vulnerability, with grace.